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Midori

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Schrödinger's cat in a heart shaped box. [18 Dec 2015|07:01am]
I remember when love first boiled the blood in my veins, causing theoretical damage that lingered in a strange state of emotional quantum mechanics.

I can't tell whether it was my heart or my mind that fixated on exploring the endless dark and deluded routes that only proved (after years of trial and error) to be unnecessary.

It doesn't matter which appendage it was.
I know that now.
It doesn't matter what he thought about me, or about the state of our broken life. Singular. Life.

That type of resolve doesn't fucking mean a thing!
Because it exists regardless of his acknowledgement.
I know that now.
And the reason I know, is because of the boiling in my veins.

So,
now,
Call me Ishmael
Because
I'm a seasoned fucking sailor,
now.
Your service is complete! Get me some fucking corn nuts!.

[24 Apr 2015|07:00am]
My heart is hurt. So much cruelty overtakes what was once something enveloped in love. Even without love, there was once kindess, a kindness that pairs well with friendship, and a respect for one another.
That had lasted so long. But here, it is now. So different, and likely destroyed forever. There is something to be said about love- it definitely changes everything.
What crazy circumstance. Or is it really crazy, or even circumstance?
I suspect that it's more ego and pride, definitely hurt feelings- I KNOW there are hurt feelings all around, and I am really trying to be sensitive about it, I wish I could get a little bit of sensitivity in return.
I suppose what really hurts is that, after everything, there will always be two separate views. I would like if we could consider the other's, but after every interaction, I'm left feeling like it's impossible.
You really don't know someone until love has torn them apart. It's scary once the facade melts away. Maybe that's not the right way to word it, because I don't think the person I knew and loved so dearly as a friend was a facade. I believe those times were real and meant so much to me.
If only romantic love never entered the picture.
Romantic love is chaos. You think you know someone? Fall in love with them, give it all out. Devastation WILL enter the mix, could be that He tells you drunkenly in front of your best friend that you are ruining his life. That you are just TOO sad and it's ruining his life. Maybe he'll push you around a bit- but it's justified because YOU devastated HIM by inappropriately talking with your ex. Working it out had a nice ring to it, but then! Maybe one night after he's been drinking and snorting Ativan, you'll both get ready for bed, and he'll vent about how the world is terrible. You'll say something to comfort him and he'll spring up out of bed and yell at you to SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE!!
And it's frightening. You reach for your phone to get help, because things are definitely escalating, but no! He'll slap the phone out of your hands and pin you to the ground, screaming about his valid pain. Go for the phone again, SLAP. And again- SLAP. Finally get it and call for help. Leave in the middle of the night in sweatpants and no shoes.
Chaotic.
He'll call you a heart rapist publicly, and eventually you will become his heart rapist when you idiotically make out with your ex boyfriend- but not just any ex- the one you married.
So love is shattered and everyone is hurt.
He expresses it for the world to see, not without a hint of flair, because it really is easy to fire away when pain is involved.
So what are you to do? Retaliation is not even on the mind, or would ever be an option. So silence. Let him get the venom out all over town, all over people who are easily ready to choose a side. Recruit that army, and HOPEFULLY feel better, or at least supported, otherwise it's just cruel.
While you'll be silent, and hope the high road will actually feel as good as everyone says. You know, it doesn't always feel that great. And maybe having the end of love strewn all about the Internet, maybe it's ok that strangers suddenly get to be involved in name calling and maybe it's ok they've suddenly become a part of a messy and sad breakup. Maybe it's ok, because maybe you deserve it. You definitely fucked up, and you definitely know it.
Breaking up is hard to do.
Still having communication when it should really be no contact is a devil of a mindfuck.
This is where it gets really brutal, because now- two former lovers, both desperately hurt, still have to face eachother for the sake of one amazing dog.


I spend a lot of time thinking about how much easier it would be if I wasn't so in love with that dog. He is my heart, and I have never loved anything more.
But the cards are not in my hands- this is where the real revelation comes to fruition. I'm at the mercy of someone who wants me to be punished, though he'd swear otherwise.
And the punishment is absolutely deteriorating my mental health.
I never thought this kind of malice would be able to live in him, but I've learned we really never knew eachother. I do understand that I hurt him, but every time he purposefully keeps Judge from me, or snaps at me for whatever falsified reason- I'm breaking.
All I want is to be with my heart, my dog, my Judge.
And he knows it.
And even though we agreed I'll be keeping him, as every day goes by, I feel like it's less likely. I'm fighting a fight because I know I need that dog, but He will use my love for Judge against me.
It's the one thing he has left to torture me with, and he'll do it whenever he can.
It is so nasty, I have trouble comprehending it.
I want it all to end. I'm tired of wishing we could be friends, because it's useless. And I accept that there is no need to ever be friends again, all of this would be easier to accept if I didn't have to continue contact for the sake of my darling dog.

This is long, and really emotional, but my heart is broken every day I'm without Judge, and I'm filled with sorrow that he's used as a tool to punish me. Getting a text about Judge being in two car accidents was rough. Not actually getting substantial information seems vindictive. It reminds me of the time Karl stole my cat while I was at work, then skipped town. Called me a year or so later just to tell me the cat died. Only to hear me cry, fuck up my day and go on with his life.
Clearly I have done things wrong, and I have regrets. Maybe I shouldn't be so surprised about all of the awful cruelty.

I wish love wasn't so destructive.
1 corn nut - Your service is complete! Get me some fucking corn nuts!.

[27 Oct 2014|11:34pm]
Almost 30, and I don't think I'll ever get used to the dating bullshit.
Sucks when even the nice guys want to play games.
This shit shouldn't take me by surprise, but I guess I need to stop giving people the benefit of the doubt.
But ow! Aren't we too old for this??
1 corn nut - Your service is complete! Get me some fucking corn nuts!.

[15 Jun 2006|11:00am]
30 corn nuts - Your service is complete! Get me some fucking corn nuts!.

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